I seem to cycle, honestly every day is hard, but how I deal with it differs. Usually, I control my emotions and I push through some of the most difficult circumstances. People on the outside would have no clue the struggles. Then there are days like these, where I stay in bed for two days, with destructive thoughts haunting me the entire time.
Before my few readers get jealous, let me describe my “bed”. It consists of a mat 2" thick, on a 1/2" sheet of metal, against a cold wall, in a concrete block room that I share with another inmate. We also share the toilet that’s in the cell too. It is never quiet. There is always commotion from the hall and open area and neighbors. Noise is all around. Then there is the smell. I won’t describe that, but you can imagine.
So don’t be too envious of my binge sleeping. It started with a headache that turned into a migraine, that led to an afternoon nap which led to two days of self-pity. Pictures on the bulletin board are a double edge sword. Seeing them fills my heart with so much joy. I so appreciate going to sleep and waking up every day to the smiles of my wife and kids. Then I look at them and see everything I am missing out on. I think of everything that they are missing out on. So then starts the downward spiral. It really is all about attitude, all a choice, for me at least. Finally, Friday night, I literally kicked myself in the butt, pulled myself out of bed and blared my Christian music on my MP3 player using my earbuds and sat at the desk to paint. I continued to paint late into the night, which wasn’t a big deal since I slept so much the day before. I got back up Saturday morning for breakfast, showered and shaved. “New Man” I went off to spending the day at recreation to paint. Off to having a good day today. You see it’s a choice, it’s an attitude. My surroundings didn’t change, but my attitude did.